Chapter Nineteen: A Revengeful Lightning Marriage

Sometime in August, on a night I can’t quite recall, the two of us erupted in the greatest argument we’d ever had. The cause? I’d been caught red-handed.

As before, our intimacy ended with her full of reluctance—not that she was unwilling, but women like her, so self-conscious and indifferent, always seemed averse to any closeness. Yet that night, after we finished, she noticed something amiss about what I’d thrown in the trash. She took it out, examined it, then suddenly checked all the condoms in the drawer. Anger overtook her; she jumped up, standing there, pointing at me, and let loose a torrent of curses.

She yelled, “You bastard! You’re shameless!”

I asked, “What did I do? How am I shameless?”

“You tampered with the condoms—every one of them has holes! Have you no decency?”

“Yes, I did. So what?”

“Why? Why would you do that?”

“Because your mother told me not to give you a child—what else could I do?”

“You promised me, didn’t you? Why have you changed your mind?”

“Yes, I promised. What of it? Damn it!”

“Damn you! Why are you cursing my mother?”

“Doesn’t your mother deserve it?”

“What has my mother ever done to you to deserve that?”

“Don’t you see how ridiculous you’re acting?”

“What? How am I acting?”

“Your mother sets you up on blind dates, sends me out of the house—do you really think I don’t know? Do you think I’m that much of a fool?”

“How do you know that? That never happened!”

“Your mother follows us everywhere, tailing us like a shadow—do you think a fool wouldn’t notice?”

“Then what about my sister and the others?”

“I don’t know about them!”

“What do you want?”

“I want to ask what you want. Don’t you think your mother’s gone too far? Am I marrying you or your mother?”

“I… I have to listen to my mother…” She broke down in tears, perhaps out of utter helplessness.

With things at this point, I laid everything bare. “You’re the only woman I’ve ever truly wanted to marry. You should know how I’ve treated you. For you, I’d break the law, work as a hospital salesman, a shill, hurting others just to save enough to marry you. Do you think you’ve been fair to me?”

She said nothing, letting me rant and rave.

“Fine. You tell me—what do you want?”

She said, “Let’s break up. I don’t want to hold you back anymore. There’s no future for us. My mother will never let me marry an outsider, especially one who has no parents. And your financial situation—do you really think you can give me the life I want?”

“What? So what am I to you? Just someone to use? What do you take me for?”

She replied, “I’ve always known we could never be together, but I can’t bear to leave you. I know everything you’ve done for me, the kindness you’ve shown, but I don’t dare marry you. You can afford to gamble on love—I can’t. I don’t even dare wager that you’ll be by my side for a lifetime, or even ten years, even five. I don’t know what our future holds.”

“Then there’s nothing left to say. I’ll go. Take care of yourself. I hope we never cross paths again. I wish you happiness.”

That night, it rained heavily. Alone, I returned to my workplace, sitting by the office window, silently letting the tears fall all night—a final vigil for a love already on its last breath.

I knew my circumstances were too poor, that I might never attain the life I wanted on my own. My children would probably inherit the same fate. For their sake, and for my own future, I made a silent decision: if things were to remain as they were, I would follow the example of those in the past. I had no talents to boast of, but I could still sell myself—no matter if the woman was ugly or even a vegetable, I would accept it. I swore to myself: by thirty-five, I would succeed, relying on the connections and wealth of my spouse, combined with my own efforts, to turn my life around. Even if it was only for a while, even if it meant using someone, I would live differently. I would never allow myself to be mediocre all my life, to live and die like a fly in a latrine—born in humiliation, dying in disgrace.

This was the thought that set me on the next stage of my life. What would come next—success or failure? Would this stifling life ever change? Where would my path lead?

For several days after, I didn’t go to work. Then, suddenly, a colleague called, saying someone named Liu Cui had come to see me at the office. I knew of her. What could she want?

My colleague didn’t know either. With no other choice, I hurried to the company. Liu Cui was waiting outside the office. When she saw me, she asked, “What’s wrong? Are you on leave?”

“Nothing. I took a few days off. I’m thinking of moving to another city.”

“Why?”

“Isn’t it alright if I put some distance between us?”

She laughed. “You’re something else. I come to check on you out of kindness, and you act like I’m unwelcome.”

“That’s not what I meant. Let’s go for a walk together, then.”

We went to a nearby park and strolled, chatting idly.

“Did you get dumped?” she asked.

“How did you know?”

“It’s obvious. You’ve been on leave for a week. If it’s not illness, it can only be heartbreak.”

“Fate decides everything. If there’s no fate, you can’t force it.”

“Am I not your fate?”

“No. I must have done nothing wrong in my past life—heaven wouldn’t send you to punish me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Insulting me in such a roundabout way?”

“You people from Beijing are all so proud. To you, outsiders are only after a residence permit or will run away after a few years.”

“That’s not everyone’s thinking.”

“Pretty much.”

“Are you free?”

“What for?”

“My mother’s in the hospital—she broke a bone. Will you come with me?”

“Me? Isn’t that inappropriate?”

“Why not? Let my mother meet you. Who knows, maybe we’ll work out.”

“I never agreed to anything. Aren’t you getting ahead of yourself?”

“If you want to rely only on yourself all your life, when do you think you’ll ever get married and have the life you desire?”

I fell silent.

“You must know, after all you’ve been through, exactly where your last relationship died—money, a house, and having no parents.”

“So what?”

“With your circumstances, marriage is nearly impossible.”

I couldn’t argue.

“We’re from the countryside too. We just happened to get a few apartments when Beijing redeveloped our village. We’re not rich. I’ve been divorced. I think you’re honest and solid, so I don’t mind that you’re from out of town or your family background. I’ve said all this—what are you still hesitating for?”

“Well then, let’s see where fate takes us. We can try for now, and if it doesn’t work out, we’ll say so.”

To be honest, I only meant to use this sudden relationship to fill the emptiness in my heart.

So, I went with her to the hospital to meet her mother—my future mother-in-law. It was our first meeting. She was quite polite, tried to sit up but couldn’t, so I let her stay half-reclined on the pillow as we chatted. She asked about our relationship, trying to get a feel for me.

“How long have you known each other?” she asked.

“A year,” Liu Cui replied.

“What do you see in her?” her mother asked me.

“We’re still getting to know each other,” I answered.

“She has two kids—a boy and a girl, twins—six years old.”

“I know. I think we’ll get along fine.”

“I don’t have any big demands of you. Have a job, take us and the kids out to travel sometimes, spend time with us, that’s all.”

“I should.”

“If you have a child together in the future, fine. If not, that’s fine too. Two kids are already a lot of work.”

“Having another would be a real burden.”

“These two stay with us, take our family name, Liu, after their mother. You’re Liu too—what a coincidence.”

“Yes, quite a coincidence.”

We chatted on and off, covering a lot of ground and getting a sense of each other’s situations. The families had no objections, and I had no strong feelings—just treating a dead horse as if it might still recover. I couldn’t fall any lower, nor did I stand to lose much. I accepted this loveless marriage, never expecting what would come next: a family so bizarre I’ll never forget them for the rest of my life. Bizarre doesn’t even begin to describe it—an entire family of lunatics. Thus began three years of psychological torment. What happened during that time was truly shocking, heartbreaking, impossible to put into words—a history written in blood and tears. To step into the grave of marriage is not so terrifying; what’s truly terrifying is to walk into the king of hell’s palace itself, into an inferno of eighteen layers.