Chapter Seventeen: Letting Go Is Also a Form of Love

Perhaps some people are simply not meant to be together. On May First, I returned to Shijiazhuang’s Luquan district with Hao Xiaojun, to the Longquan Garden neighborhood where her family rented an apartment. Her mother had prepared a generous spread, seemingly to welcome me, or so I thought. But reality proved otherwise. As lunchtime approached, her mother suddenly asked me and the fiancé of Hao Xiaojun’s eldest sister to head to another neighborhood to pick up some things, saying the water pipes at home were broken, and the fiancé, who worked in plumbing, could fix them right away. There was nothing to be done but go along. Yet on the way, I kept feeling like the car behind us was following too closely. Glancing in the rearview mirror, I realized, to my astonishment, that it was Hao Xiaojun’s mother.

I was genuinely surprised—what was going on?

Once we arrived, the future brother-in-law and I went upstairs to fetch the parts. As we entered the building, I said, “You go up, I’ll wait here.” He agreed, reminding me to keep an eye on the car as the doors weren’t locked.

I hid in the stairwell between the first and second floors. Before long, I overheard Hao Xiaojun’s mother on the phone: “How’s it going? Hurry, they’ll be back soon!” The person on the other end replied, “Almost done.” Her mother continued, “This girl, bringing Liu Jian over without telling me first—what if she runs into the blind date I arranged? Wouldn’t that be a disaster? You all need to be quick. We’ll be back in an hour, I’m following them!”

She said a few more things: “How’s Xiaojun? Any interest? Do they like each other? Let them spend some time together; the other party’s circumstances are good, should be a match…”

I was stunned. So this was about finding her a better match? If that’s the case, don’t blame me for what comes next. Let’s see how this plays out.

I climbed a few more steps up the stairwell. Soon, the future brother-in-law came down, and we left together. Hearing us, Xiaojun’s mother quickly drove off ahead of us, but midway home, she caught up again in a taxi. I couldn’t help but admire her—what a detective she would make!

We returned quickly. The brother-in-law performed admirably, fixing the pipes in no time—just replacing a water heater hose and some fittings. Hao Xiaojun noticed my dark expression, but I said nothing. She seemed uneasy, perhaps feeling guilty. After lunch, everyone rested. I began my performance: “Brother-in-law, your car’s parked on the street—won’t you get a ticket?”

He paused, realizing the risk. “I better move it, or I’ll lose points and get fined.”

I told him I’d go with him. Once outside, I said, “There’s something I’m not sure I should mention.”

He asked, “What’s that?”

“How’s your relationship with Hao Xiaoli, the eldest sister? How long have you known each other?”

He shrugged, “It’s just okay. Her mother’s never satisfied—says I’m bald, don’t have a good job, no money, poor, no house. No matter what I do, I just can’t please her.”

He suddenly asked, “Why do you bring this up?”

I replied, “Earlier, when we went to get the parts, Xiaojun’s mother followed us. I overheard her on the phone saying you were picking up parts and would be back soon, and she was telling someone the other guy had good prospects, and the eldest daughter ought to agree…”

His face changed instantly. “This isn’t the first time. It’s the third. I’m exhausted—what’s the point of being their doormat? Even the food today felt cold. I didn’t say a word, but how is this fair? What have I done to deserve this?”

He sighed. “Well, so be it. Now I see what kind of people they are. They look down on me but won’t say it outright, playing this game of hedging their bets. The last two times, I half-believed it; now it’s happened again. Fate isn’t on my side.”

He said, “You go back up, I’ll head home first.”

I told him to take care and be safe. He stormed off, and that afternoon I returned to Beijing. To be honest, it was a heartbreak I could hardly describe. I’d given everything—even resorted to crossing legal lines to make money, all so she could live well. And this is how they repay me? How could I not be bitter? How could I ever forget?

Back at my rented apartment—a place I seldom visited—I looked at the photos of us on the wall, tore them down in silence, and collapsed onto the bed, drinking bottle after bottle: spirits, beer, anything, eating nothing. I must have downed a bottle of hard liquor and six beers. I passed out hugging the toilet, vomiting for two days. When I finally recovered, it was already the fourth; the holiday was almost over. Just then, I got a call from Chen Lin. She must have sensed my mood, as we were in the same boat. Her own situation was no better, and she lived just a few hundred meters away. Soon, she was at my door.

I let her in and collapsed on the bed. She sat beside me and asked what was wrong. I told her the gist of it. She said, “It’s always like this out there. Just treat it as cohabiting. My boyfriend and I are the same—apart from sharing a bed, we each have our own agendas. Why take it so seriously?”

I said, “All these years, I gave my heart—am I really so worthless?”

Chen Lin replied, “A genuine heart? Can you eat that for dinner? I once put my all into business, gave everything, but my ex-husband spent all my money on food, drink, and fun—then used it to support another woman and start a new family. What could I say? Men and women are the same—if it works out, try to be happy; if not, move on. Suffering only hurts yourself. Look at this room reeking of alcohol—who’s miserable here?”

I said, “Exactly. Ever since I came back, she hasn’t contacted me, not even a greeting…”

Chen Lin offered, “Want me to cook you something?”

I answered, “Wolf’s heart, dog’s lungs, shamelessness, and thick skin!”

She laughed, “I don’t know how to make those. I can fry squid, though, and I have a specialty dish: ‘Cutting Lotus Root with a Sharp Knife!’—crisp and clean!”

Chen Lin was my colleague, a few years older, working in healthcare. She was a bit flirtatious, but her womanly charm was undeniable. Having someone to talk to eased the loneliness.

Later, I thought it over. Rather than clinging to hopelessness, better to let things take their course. Good or bad, as long as it’s bearable, that’s enough. Life is just like this: one man, one woman, teaming up to get by. If things go well, stay together; if not, part ways. A marriage certificate is just a piece of paper, granting the right to sleep together openly—slightly different from paying for company, perhaps. Maybe that’s all modern marriage is worth.

What else is there? Nothing at all.